vertigo II

by mickharris

the rain comes

and then the vertigo gets worse

all of a sudden it feels like my head is heavier than the rest of my body and i’m about to fall backwards onto the floor

peeling paint at work

shitty apartment carpet at home

cracked and bleeding pavement of oakland

run roughshod and “rioting”

i wish i could be out there with them

but the fear of falling, of not being able to run

means i stay home.

the fear of people, too.

this is another issue.

your heartbeat vibrates your rib cage

and you are hollow

ready to crack open to the air

to relieve the pressure

there is a balloon in your head half full of water sloshing back and forth

your eyes track it outward, moving the computer, the wall, the world

back and forth back and forth

first it tilted

now it slides

you stand at the sink and grip the sponge and tell yourself that nothing is actually moving

but you close your eyes and see the bridge at the moma

the earth spinning

some asshole with a laser pointer making circles

you don’t even know him

the fuck is he even doing in your head?

and you can’t quite believe yourself.

writing this makes my neck thick and hot and the words shiver a little on the screen

if i turn my head too fast i’ll tilt right out of the chair

my heartbeat getting quicker

fear making ice up and down my sternum