the rain comes
and then the vertigo gets worse
all of a sudden it feels like my head is heavier than the rest of my body and i’m about to fall backwards onto the floor
peeling paint at work
shitty apartment carpet at home
cracked and bleeding pavement of oakland
run roughshod and “rioting”
i wish i could be out there with them
but the fear of falling, of not being able to run
means i stay home.
the fear of people, too.
this is another issue.
your heartbeat vibrates your rib cage
and you are hollow
ready to crack open to the air
to relieve the pressure
there is a balloon in your head half full of water sloshing back and forth
your eyes track it outward, moving the computer, the wall, the world
back and forth back and forth
first it tilted
now it slides
you stand at the sink and grip the sponge and tell yourself that nothing is actually moving
but you close your eyes and see the bridge at the moma
the earth spinning
some asshole with a laser pointer making circles
you don’t even know him
the fuck is he even doing in your head?
and you can’t quite believe yourself.
writing this makes my neck thick and hot and the words shiver a little on the screen
if i turn my head too fast i’ll tilt right out of the chair
my heartbeat getting quicker
fear making ice up and down my sternum