virtues (notes)

by mickharris

trying to think about all the things that i am good at

it seems like a pretty short list, but:

 

i am good at lying – not necessarily outright or bold lies, but little ones where you take a truth and twist it, maybe for no reason other than to make it more interesting to the people around you, or to yourself

i am good at avoiding things – conversations, friendships, intimacy, connections, work, play, writing, sex, chores, discomfort, exercise, food, responsibility, dreams, labor, pattern, fatigue

i am good at reading people and their motivations

i am good at shit-talking

i am good at making people in groups laugh a lot

i am good at meeting people for the first time

i am good at roasting chicken, and making pasta sauce

i am good at psychically approaching the draft of my book, as seen over a great and watery distance, and veering away at the last moment

i am also very good at keeping it in a box, along with all other notes on my writing from started and aborted attempts to improve or finish it

but

i am good at trying to improve it on an emotional high and panicky initial first jab at editing and connecting with other people

i am good at dreaming about being successful

i am good at fantasizing, sexually

i am good at sitting down

i am good at eating

i am good at throwing thoughts at the wall to see what sticks

i am good at bitching about media

i am good at being alone in a sea of self-proclaimed weirdos

i am good at pairing socks

i am good at listening, usually when the other person intimidates me, but often when i try to be with others as well

i am good at bragging about myself

 

i’m not sure how this sum of weird parts makes a writer and a human, but it does.  i have a stream of people in and out of my life at all times.  i am relatively healthy, relatively intelligent, self-reflective and somewhat precise in some things.

i am terrified that this is all that there will ever be of me in the world

 

 

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