and before her it was a boy
he was the one who loosened a lot of things for me, gave me freedom in total egocentric nuclear breakdown
it took that complete utter focus on self and bad feelings to get myself free of being in service to the endless void of another’s process.
and while i’m often embarrassed by the writing that i did during that period that i so blithely shared with my writing classes and friends
i don’t regret his existence or that time, except for the violence that bubbled up so often in me, one fucking bit.